In Which it's 3:!7, and I Need To Know: Am I Hydrated Enough

Because that's my big worry these days: did I have enough to drink? It's been (I think) 50-odd ounces of water with lemon, a lot of yerba mate (and I am so amped up on that I can see my fingers vibrating as I type) and another liter of water to go. I think I have control issues with the wa-wa.

Because, come 4:30, I'll find myself in a space that's simeltaneously really tender and really tough: the hot room. At 100-odd degrees and X% humidity, it's not the heat, but the thinking that I notice more and more. You know the thinking, because you've probably got a case of it, too, whether or not you ever find yourself in a Bikram studio: look at that person, they've got more of what I want than I do; look at that woman, is she prettier, yes, bitch, I think she is; what do I have to do after this; I want Cheez-Its; I wish someone would help me with this; I wish I liked myself more--and on and on and on. Whatever your loop is, I have one just like it.

And the thing is, I didn't want to, anymore. After a miserably hard first year of teaching, so hard that I still can't quite wrap my head around my survival, and after a descent into a sticky little mental morass of my own making at the end of the semester, and after 32 years of on-again/ off-again positivity, I was TIRED. Maybe I got to the end of my rope, maybe I had me a little Rosa Parks moment--you know, sick and tired of being sick and tired--and my usual lightweight, meditation-heavy, movement-low, maybe-I'll-do-it-tomorrow yoga practice wasn't helping ENOUGH. And, I'd tried Bikram 2 times before, hating it the first time (so hating it the first time, to be honest) and liking it okay the second, so maybe the seed was planted--but on December 28th, I read an article in Oprah magazine--which I NEVER buy--about one woman's committment to a 60-day Bikram challenge.

And something in me was just like, Hey. HEY. That's what I need.

And I've been every day since the 29th. And I love it. More and more.

The positive thinking? The calm? The investigative, loving, discipline, dedicated mind? The healthier body? The energy?

Off the charts. Or, if not off the charts, than in a way healthier and happier space than I can remember being for a while, a long, long while. It feels pretty delicious, to be honest. Pretty delicious and pretty right and pretty real.

I don't have a goal, except to show up as much as I can, and to honor my intention for 2010:

I will create and participate in my own happiness and peace.

And drink more water than I ever thought possible doing it.